Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
You Might Also Like
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Just parrot things
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere