Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
just left a huge legacy in there
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.