inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
man: wait
time: no
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”