[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
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Good Morning.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?