infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”