Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.