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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
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Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
🚲+physics = winner
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
#titanic
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.