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ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?