INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Plant care tips
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.