Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.