INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
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I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.