Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.