Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*