[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.