Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Always
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.