Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Doormats are a gateway rug.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it