Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.