@NoTheOtherJohn

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

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@donnie_fairburn

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

@bonehugsnirony

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

@bornmiserable

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

@whatsJo

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

@OmniscientOf

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

@ohmygawdbecki

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

@ItsDanSheehan

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder