[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.