Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
🔦🌙👣
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.