Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.