inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Some people were born into their job.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet