Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.