Inside you there are two wolves
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.