Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill