Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
fixed it
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Siri: Retweet me.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”