“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My birthstone is kidney
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom