Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
You Might Also Like
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…