#inspiration #foodforthought

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“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.


My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.


I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.


Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.


If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.


The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story


me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this


There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”