#inspiration #foodforthought
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Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Just a phase…
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat