@thepunningman

#inspiration #foodforthought

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@XplodingUnicorn

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

@Rohit_And_Run

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

@ilovepie84

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

@neiltyson

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

@WittySassBasket

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

@dumbbeezie

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

@aaronflarin

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

@simoncholland

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”