Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon