Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

consequences, the bane of my existence

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever