Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow