Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
monday