Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.