Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
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God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.