Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two