Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”