[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
You Might Also Like
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Not😆🤣
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*