@aveuaskew

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

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@sofarrsogud

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

@PnkRckrSheena

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

@athleisure_monk

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

@Browtweaten

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

@Tbone7219

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@TheUnderfold

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

@Cheeseboy22

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.