Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.


Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.


“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.


i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles


interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest


You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.


Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.


Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on


The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.