Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Otters drive ottermobiles.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
🤣😂
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years