*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails