*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I’m Sold!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.