Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
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6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.