Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.