Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”