Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder