instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Ghost costume 😂
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex