Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious