Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.