Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.