Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.