Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”