Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots